Not because I could name it. More because I noticed how good I'd become at not naming it. I grew up in an ordinary family. Loving, involved. And yet: what I felt about myself had no name. No place.

I learned to split. To be a man. To be gay. Two things that didn't seem able to coexist.

During my university years, I organised gay pub crawls through Amsterdam for four years. I brought people together. Full venues, good chaos. And yet. Real connection was missing there too. We were all present. We barely touched each other.

In relationships, I knew what it felt like to let someone close — and then slowly hold them at a distance. How you can desire and simultaneously fear what you attract. How you can understand everything and still not move differently.

That didn't change through insight. It changed through being present with what was actually there.

That's also how I work. I'm a psychologist (University of Amsterdam) and certified coach (Phoenix Opleidingen, three-year programme). I work relationally, systemically, and somatically. No step-by-step plan. No method that works for everyone. But: being present in what's really happening.